Vegan Me

     In May of 2011 I went to see a movie called Forks Over Knives. It's all about the benefits of eating a whole food plant-based diet which is code for "vegan". (In fact, the word "vegan" is only mentioned twice in the film and both times by a successful mixed martial arts fighter named Mac Danzig. The thinking here is, if you're capable of kicking your opponent in the ear before he even sees your foot leave the ground, you get to use the word vegan with no fear of ridicule.  And, unfortunately, vegans are the object of great ridicule. In fact, the only group of people who seem to be more universally disliked are mimes. If you're a vegan who also happens to be a mime, you're probably ostracized in a way that makes gypsies feel downright trendy. But I digress.)

I went to see this movie by myself because I knew if I took Maria, my steady date and wife for the last 26 years, I'd wake her inner hippie, and the next thing you know I'd be buying food products with names that were seemingly created to embarrass the shopper. "Excuse me, where would I find the, um...tofurkey?" I once asked a stocker. "THE TOFURKEY IS RIGHT NEXT TO THE FAKIN' BACON!" she screamed. "Gee, thanks," I thought. "And to think you can get that kind of volume without a megaphone." You see, I went to see Forks Over Knives by myself because part of me wanted to do something bold to improve my health but the other part of me really wanted more cheese for my nachos.

Long story short, I fell in love with "Forks Over Knives". I went home and told Maria all about it. We went back the next night, and just as I suspected she went full Woodstock for it. That night we bought a rice cooker and more fruit and vegetables than I had consumed in the previous decade.

That was May of 2011. I was a totally devoted vegan for six months. Almond milk, tempeh, black bean burgers, vegan-this, vegan-that. Loved it. I truly did. Not hard at all. I saw the benefits immediately and dropped 25 pounds by Thanksgiving. But then, of course, came Thanksgiving.

"I'm not going to be weird about this," I told Maria. "I'm going to have a little Turkey. A tiny slice of pie and maybe just a little butter on my roll. A drizzle of gravy, that's all...and a spoonful stuffing."

You can guess how things turned out. Not only did I keep my promise NOT to be weird on Thanksgiving, I was perfectly un-weird all the way through New Year's Day...and the entire year that followed.

But I'm ready to start again. The truth is, I must. I am a type II diabetic who is living in La La Land. I'm maxed out on medication, I have arthritic knees, I'm tired, and I feel older than my 51 years. I have a lot left to do in life, not the least of which is watch my five wonderful children continue to grow.

So bring on the whole-food plant-based diet. I won't call it vegan. Not until I can, with lightning speed, bring my arthritic knee into the ribs of a meat-eating bully.